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[NTHW] Community Lounge => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: Bill C on 21 March 2011, 12:15: PM

Title: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 21 March 2011, 12:15: PM
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children running
around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie
to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
My husband and I put it on the
door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!

Shame on you
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 24 March 2011, 02:13: PM
A place for all those jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 25 March 2011, 08:23: AM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".






"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"   




This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 25 March 2011, 08:49: AM
Heard that before but can't remember where.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 25 March 2011, 08:50: AM
its an oldie Damien.... have it on my emails somewhere....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 29 March 2011, 11:36: AM
AN  IRISH GHOST STORY

 

This story happened a while  ago in Dublin , and even  though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, but it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~   
John Bradford, a Dublin University  student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking  on a very dark night and in the midst of a big  storm.


The  night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm  was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead  of him.


Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and  stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about  it, got into the car and closed the door.... only  to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

 

The car began moving slowly , John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray,  begging for his life. Then, just before the car  hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere  through the window, and turned the wheel.

 

John,paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came  through the window, but never touched or harmed  him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear further down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped  out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of  breath, he rushed inside and started telling  everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A  silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized  he was crying... and wasn't  drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking  around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the  bar, one said to the other....   



Look Paddy....there's that fooking  idiot that got in the car while we were pushing  it!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 29 March 2011, 12:23: PM
There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 29 March 2011, 05:49: PM
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful..  To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 29 March 2011, 05:54: PM
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
> agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
> juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just
> sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you
> watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
>
>
> An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> leans over and says to her husband,  'I just let out a silent fart; what
> do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your
> hearing aid.
>
>
> A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
> horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
> eyesight is perfect.'
>
>
> Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face or
> my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
> humour!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 29 March 2011, 05:56: PM
The Indian With One Testicle
 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
Name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
Again I will kill them!'
 
The word got around and nobody called
Him that any more.
 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
Forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
Jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
The forest where he made love to her all day and
All night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
 
The word got around that Onestone meant what
He promised he would do. Years went by and no
One dared call him by his given name until A woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
Away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
Overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
And said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


 


Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
Her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
 
 
 
Why ???
 
 
 
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
 
 
 
Think about it !!!
 
 
 
You're going to love this !!!
 
 
 
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!
Title: Jokes
Post by: SkyBlueHeroes on 05 April 2011, 07:48: PM
The thing about that new easy style of origami, well, it's two fold............
Title: Jokes
Post by: SkyBlueHeroes on 05 April 2011, 07:49: PM
What do you call a rabbit with a bent d1ck??






Fu£&s Funny!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 07 April 2011, 01:33: PM
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the
shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

 

'How much do you charge?'

 

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why
didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

 

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 07 April 2011, 05:19: PM
The Search for the Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 08 April 2011, 10:06: AM
Aussie love poem:

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs'on
And fetch another beer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 15 April 2011, 08:33: AM
 The Blind Bunny!   
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>               One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
>
>               over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
>               
>               "Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
>
>               but I'm blind and can't see."
>               
>               "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my  fault.
                  I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

                  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
>               
>             "Well,
>
>               I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
>
>               myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
>
>
>             So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
>
>             and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
>
>             a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
>
>
>             The Bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
>
>             animal are you?"
>
>
>             The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
>
>              examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well,
>
>              what kind of an animal am I?"
>
>
>             The  bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold,
>
>             you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 19 April 2011, 01:03: PM
I've just realised the one thing that could make the Royal Wedding just that little bit more special.

Vuvuelas.
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 19 April 2011, 01:18: PM
I'm so glad I'm escaping the country.
Title: Proposed cuts to the National Health Service
Post by: Bill C on 20 April 2011, 12:52: PM


Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

 

      The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime

Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

 

      The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists

advised not to make any rash moves.

 

      The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

 

      The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

 

      Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

 

      Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

 

      The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

 

      The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash

their hands of the whole thing.

 

      The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

 

      The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,

and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the

matter...."

 

      The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

 

      The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

      In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire

decision up to the arseholes in the Houses of Parliament.
 

 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 21 April 2011, 08:17: AM
Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...


When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 02 May 2011, 09:11: PM
Not a joke as such but I found it funny. Taken from The Registers BOFH:

Quote
"It's slow again" the Boss pronounces, back once more.

"What's slow again >clickety<?" the PFY asks.

"The internet, it's atrocious - and I've tried lots of sites."

"Not the Leather Nun porn sites again I hope" I blurt.

"THAT WASN'T ME, I KEEP TELLING YOU! SOMEONE MUST HAVE BEEN USING MY MACHINE!"

"Your honour" the PFY adds.

I cannot BEGIN to outline the HOURS of enjoyment you can have with a simple wireless keyboard and mouse and a dongle plugged into the back of the Boss’ desktop. I heartily recommend it.

At first it was just moving the mouse around and activating background windows when the Boss was typing but after a while that got a bit tame – till the PFY slapped a surreptitious webcam in the Boss’ office and cranked up the keyboard.

After that the Boss was scared to turn away from his monitor for fear of turning back to find some weird and gritty eastern European porn site up on the display – seconds before the PFY or I would stroll in with some work-related question.

Then there were the several email memos to the department with the last minute subject line changed to “I’m a horsefucker”.
;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 09 May 2011, 07:47: AM
TWO OF THE BEST COME BACK RESPONSES


Number 1:
We Know He Is A Sharp Policeman!



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A :  'No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q:  'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A : 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q:  ' A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A : 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A :  'Yes sir, we do!'

Q:  ' A nd do you have a locker in the room?'

A :  'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q:  ' A nd do you have a lock on your locker?'

A :   'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A :  'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. 

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line --  and we think he'll win.














Number 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General!




General Norman Schwarzkopf

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for  forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on A merica.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I  believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."










You got to love them both!



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 09 May 2011, 07:47: AM
Last 10 pence
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on
the back..

 
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
  Coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
 
'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'


 

 
 


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 09 May 2011, 07:48: AM
Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.  Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and .... I bet you cannot resist passing it on .
 

 
 

 
 

 
Title: I am changing my ways, hard work and knowledge just does not work
Post by: Bill C on 16 May 2011, 08:15: AM
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its
the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
 
 
Now I know why some people are where they are!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 24 May 2011, 09:54: AM
The following is an actual question given on a McGill University chemistry mid-term Exam paper:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most people and their souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Celine LeBlanc during my Freshman year - that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scary on 02 June 2011, 09:19: AM
i told a girl that my penis is like my old computer, she said a bet its large has a lot of RAM and a big hard drive behind it. i said no its full of viruses and its never been cleaned, she left.

i currently have an OS which is exactly 14 times better than windows 7 its called windows 98.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 07 June 2011, 01:53: PM
I've just received an email from a bloke who claims he can read maps backwards.



Looks like spam to me.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 07 June 2011, 03:43: PM
Oh god......... :-\ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 10 June 2011, 08:59: AM
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


 ;D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 10 June 2011, 11:23: PM
nicked from facebook....


THE CHAVS PRAYER,... Our boyfriend who art in prison, even Mum knows not dads name, thy chavdom come, you'll read The Sun, in Stanhope which is in Ashford, give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO's as we happy slap those who got ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry and the Bacardi, forever and ever... Innit!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 15 July 2011, 03:35: PM
HOW TO POO AT WORK
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check For other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This Is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often See an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or Magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to Force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert Potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that You are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, Create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend Extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 18 July 2011, 11:21: AM
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zingle on 18 July 2011, 11:37: AM
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

brilliant lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 23 July 2011, 07:36: PM
Not a joke but I still pmsl:
Quote
Universal Call of Duty: Black Ops ProGaming Glasses ... When there is no time to blink, you need performance optics. The Call of Duty: Black Ops ProGaming Glasses enhance the visual experience for the most demanding gamers. Whether playing on console or PC, GUNNAR advanced gaming eyewear improves your overall gaming experience and delivers the optical clarity required to focus on mission-critical objectives.

 link (http://www.google.co.uk/products/catalog?q=pc+black+ops&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&hl=en&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&biw=1680&bih=915&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=14578424874850895065&sa=X&ei=HxUrTtzIKIqy8gP654GMDA&ved=0CGwQ8wIwBA)  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 23 July 2011, 10:26: PM
Somebody has seriously made those, and more to the point they expect people to buy them :wtf:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 24 July 2011, 07:53: AM
Somebody has seriously made those, and more to the point they expect people to buy them :wtf:

Mgp idiots WILL buy them  :o
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 11 August 2011, 09:15: PM
I was watching T.V last night and an advert came on featuring an African baby all covered in flies! I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one! Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips that i usually hang from the ceiling!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 20 August 2011, 08:39: PM
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer.


"Will you hold my hand?"



A crate load of Viagra has been stolen from a distribution depot


Police are looking for hardened criminals.



A women was found in her home in her bath tub surrounded by milk and a spoon.


Police suspect a cereal killer.



Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scary on 23 August 2011, 06:56: PM
After making sweet love to Yoda he turned to me and said "Big is you!"

"Fuck off", I said. "I don't buy magazines from foreigners".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 23 August 2011, 07:34: PM
I'm sure there are rules about bonking aliens :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 25 August 2011, 10:46: PM
I'm sure there are rules about bonking aliens :P
yep.......if she has more than three breasts then best leave her alone :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: madonion_uk on 26 August 2011, 06:18: PM
the best jokes at Edinburgh Fringe this year:

1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4. Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 02 September 2011, 11:27: PM
Beer and Ice Cream Diet
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

School of Physics, University of Sydney
link (http://astro.berkeley.edu/~gmarcy/thermal/tpteacher/jokes/icecream.html) ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 03 September 2011, 01:28: PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, Librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: IMPz on 08 September 2011, 07:50: PM
I've seen some of the comments before enjoy, the link will take you to the plane new livery

http://blog.flightstory.net/1472/kulula-air-with-new-funny-livery/ (http://blog.flightstory.net/1472/kulula-air-with-new-funny-livery/)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated inJohannesburg.  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---




"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landingin Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.





Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today... And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing... If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


IMPz (with thanks to Mrs IMPz)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 22 September 2011, 09:09: AM
Smart Arse Answers

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.




SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."




SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"









SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.



When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


  "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."



 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 30 September 2011, 06:55: PM
Russ uses Norton :D
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/35306944-post8.html (http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/35306944-post8.html)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stu038 on 02 October 2011, 10:34: AM
Bless him :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 03 October 2011, 10:49: AM
The Man Rules 
>> 
>>At last a guy has taken the time to write this  all down.   
>> 
>> Finally,the guys' side of the  story.
>>(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
>>We
   always hear 'the rules'
>>From the female  side. 
>> 
>> Now here are the rules from the male  side.   
>>
>>These are our  rules!
>>Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
>>ON  PURPOSE! 
>> 
>>1.   Men  are NOT mind readers.
>>
>>1. Learn to work the toilet  seat.
>>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>>We
   need it up, you need it down.
>>You don't hear us complaining about you
   leaving it down.
>>
>>1. Saturday sports It's like the full moon
>>or
   the changing of the tides.
>>Let it be.
>>
>>1. Crying is
   blackmail.
>>
>>1. Ask for what you want.
>>Let us be clear on this one:
>>Subtle hints do not work!
>>Strong hints do not work!
>>Obvious hints
   do not work!
>>Just say it!
>>
>>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
   answers to almost every question.
>>
>>1. Come to us with a
   problemonlyif you want help solving it. 
>>That's what we do.
>>Sympathy is what your
   girlfriends are for.
>>
>>
>>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is
   inadmissible in an argument.
>>In fact, all comments become Null and void
   after 7 Days.
>>
>>
>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably
   are.
>>Don't ask us.
>>
>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two
   ways and one of 
>>the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant  theother  one
>>
>>1. You can
   either ask us to do something
>>Or tell us how you want it done.  Not
   both.
>>If you already know best how to do it, just do it
   yourself.
>>
>>1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
   during commercials. 
>>
>>1. ALL men see in only 16
   colors, like Windows default settings.
>>Peach, for example, is a fruit,
   not A color.. Pumpkin is also a  fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.
>>
>>1. If it itches,
   it willbe scratched. We do that.
>>
>>1. If we
   ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' 
>>We will act like nothing's wrong.
>>We
   know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
>>
>>1. If you
   ask a question you don't want an answer to, 
>>Expect an answer you don't want to  hear.
>>
>>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
   is fine... Really.
>>
>>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
   about unless you are 
>>prepared to discuss such topics  as RUGBY or  GOLF.
>>
>>1. You have
   enough clothes.
>>
>>1. You have too many shoes.
>>
>>1. I am in
   shape.       Round IS a  shape!
>>
>>1. Thank you for reading this.
>>Yes, I know, I have to sleep
   on the couch tonight;
>>
>>
>>But did you know  men really don't mind that? It's like camping.










"Tickle Me Elmo" :

There
is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. 
The toy
laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The "Tickle Me Elmo" factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am
there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws 
open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee.

He
complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting
the entire 
production line behind schedule.


 
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
2 men march 
down to
the factory floor.  When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are 
"Tickle
Me Elmo's" all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At
the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of"Tickle
MeElmo's".
 
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two 
marbles
and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo 's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into
laughter.  After several minutes of hysterics he
pulls
 himself
together and approaches Lena .....................

'I'm sorry,' he says to her,
barely able to keep a straight face, 
'but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.




Subject :-THREE ITALIAN NUNS.
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven.   At the Pearly
Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, all three of you have led such wonderful lives on Earth
that I am 
granting you to go back to Earth for six months and be anyone you
want to be".

The first nun said "I want to be Sophia Loren" and 'whoosh', she'd
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and 'whoosh', she'd gone.

The third nun said "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St. Peter looked perplexed.  "Who", he asked.

Sara Pipalini, repeated the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and says I'm sorry but I don't know that
person..

The nun then took out a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to
St. Peter.
She pointed out a story to him and he burst out laughing.  He handed
the paper back.
He said "No Sister",  "I'm very sorry to disappoint you but the paper
says
it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was  laid by 1,400 men in six
months.




>>>>A   mature lady gets pulled over for   speeding...   
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Is there a problem,  Officer?
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm  afraid you were speeding.
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  Oh, I see.
>>>>Traffic  Cop:   Can I see your license please?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  Well, I would give it  to you but I don't have one.   
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Don't have one?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  No. I lost it 4 ye ars  ago for drunk driving.   
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   I see...Can I see your vehicle  registration papers please.   
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   I can't do that.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Why not?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   I stole this car.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Stole it?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Yes, and I killed and  hacked up the  owner.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   You what!?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   His body parts are in  plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see   
>>>>
>>>>The traffic cop looks at
                               the woman and slowly backs away to his car while
                               calling for back up.  Within minutes 5
                               police cars circle the car. A senior officer
                                slowly approaches the car, clasping his
                               half drawn gun. 
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Ma'am, could you step  out of your vehicle   please!
>>>>The   woman steps out of her vehicle.   
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                woman:   Is there a problem  sir?
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:  My colleague here  tells me that you have stolen this car and   murdered the owner.
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Murdered the owner?  Are you  serious?!
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:  Yes, could you please  open the trunk of your car,   please.
>>>>
>>>>The
                                woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing
                               but an empty
                                trunk.
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Is this your car,  ma'am?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Yes, here are the  registration papers.
>>>>The traffic cop  is quite  stunned.
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   My colleague claims  that you do not have a driving license.   
>>>>
>>>>The woman digs into her
                               handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and
                               hands it to the officer.
>>>>
>>>>The officer
                               examines the  license quizzically.
                               
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Thank you ma'am, but I  am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here  that you didn't have a  license, that you  stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner!
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Bet the lying bastard  told you I was speeding,   too.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Don't
                                Mess With Mature Ladies




Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 10 October 2011, 09:25: AM
Not a joke but still funny  :D .

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.







Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Isa.                    
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 10 October 2011, 01:51: PM
LOL, the true stories are quit often funnier than the made up jokes
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 24 October 2011, 09:46: AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
ID001 


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 24 October 2011, 09:48: AM
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in   Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." 
 
 
IF Only
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 25 October 2011, 08:52: AM
>> Last  night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle  of Tippex.
>>I  woke this morning with a huge correction.
>> 
>>My  girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group  The Monkees.
>>I  thought she was joking ........  then I saw her  face
>> 
>>My  budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of  Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to  walk
 .
>>Women  should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your  bloody tee ready!
>> 
>>Last  night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice  from the kitchen, 
>>'What  would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or  lamb?'
>>I  said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
>>She  replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the  cat!'
>>
>>I was  sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. 
>>I  looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for  starters!'
>> 
>>Yoko  Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out  of here!'
>>Show bosses  think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for  the last thirty years. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 25 October 2011, 11:07: AM
Whats Black and sit at the top of stairs?

Stephen Hawkins in a house fire
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 04 November 2011, 01:17: PM
BLACKBURN HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shadza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Blackburn in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Mill Hill . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Blackpool and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Radio Lancashire reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Blackburn. One Blackburn resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of Aldi baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut..

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Darwen" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Blackburn - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 08 January 2012, 03:42: PM
Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year.

Maybe Team America does exist...  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 08 January 2012, 03:43: PM
"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 20 January 2012, 04:45: PM
Paddy and Murphy are standing on the deck of a certain sinking cruise liner.

Paddy says to Murphy "It's awfully quiet"

Murphy replies "I think everyone must be listening to the band"

Paddy retorts "What band, I can't hear any music"

Murphy says "I distinctly heard them say 'a band on ship'"

:erm:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Klinsman on 20 January 2012, 07:31: PM
Paddy and Murphy are standing on the deck of a certain sinking cruise liner.

Paddy says to Murphy "It's awfully quiet"

Murphy replies "I think everyone must be listening to the band"

Paddy retorts "What band, I can't hear any music"

Murphy says "I distinctly heard them say 'a band on ship'"

:erm:
Dont get it!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 30 January 2012, 08:00: PM
One for Stu:

I paid £28 for a Games Workshop Space Marine set that I have always wanted. When I got it home & carefully unpacked everything, I suddenly realised that something was missing.

A girlfriend
 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stu038 on 30 January 2012, 08:40: PM
I should be so lucky :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 10 February 2012, 09:23: AM
Subject: What you learn from children


Not sure which of these categories members of the Listerv fall into:

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.

For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!



.         The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

.         "Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"



1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
Cape.. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint

can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on., Using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by  a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already  too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercial show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very
expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.





>>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>
>>
>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>>WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>>___________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>____________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
>>___________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>>_________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>WITNESS: getting laid
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>WITNESS: None.
>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>WITNESS: By death.
>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>WITNESS: Take a guess.
>>
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>>_____________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>______________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>>WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>>_________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>_________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>>____________________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>>______________________________________
>>
>>And the best for last:
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>>WITNESS: No.
>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>WITNESS: No.
>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>WITNESS: No.
>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>>WITNESS: No.
>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
>>   
>>   
>>

   
 -- 
Joan xx











Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 February 2012, 09:54: AM
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

That's my wekend sorted :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 07 April 2012, 09:25: PM
Taken from a thread/site that Stu linked to:

Wandering along the Weser in Minden I glanced across the River to see a herd of Sheep grazing on the opposite bank. Just behind them was the German engineer Barracks - "Oh look" says I to the Missus "they must be having an exercise - they`re cammed up as sheep"
"Ooh thats good innit? - You can`t tell the difference" came the reply....

We sat, watching the Sheep and comtemplating the river as it flowed placidly by - with me biting the inside of my cheeks to stop myself laughing - All went well until one of the Sheep on the opposite bank began to do a Sven Bomwollen and shag its neighbour - At first she couldn`t understand why I was rolling around and crying with laughter - and when she finally twigged it was 3 days radio silence.....I still get a dirty look whenever I mention Sheep!

 :notworthy: :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 05 June 2012, 06:26: PM
You can always tell a guy who masturbates a lot by his hands.

If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.
 :'( :D
----------------------------------
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,

but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.  :D

--------------------------------------
Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.  :rofl:

---------------------------------------

I've been by my wives graveside all day.

Although she still think's it's going to be a fish pond. :D

--------------------------------------------

You know you're fucked up when there are no results to your search on PornHub.   :-X
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 06 June 2012, 09:37: AM
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

That's my wekend sorted :D

Want to know an easy way to make hydrogen - very explosive!

Get an old ac adapter from some device you no longer use or is broken, like an old phone charger or something.
Cut the bit of the end and strip back the insulating plasic so you get two bare wires.
Wrap each of the wires around a small screwdrivers (the metal bit) to make two electrodes.
Put the kettle on.
Fill a mug with hot water, plonk the two electrodes in either side of the mug (make sure they do not touch) - switch on the power.
Now, bubbles will start forming on each of the electrodes - one side will produce oxygen, the other will produce hydrogen - somehow gather the hydrogen in a testtube type container and let it fill (hydrogen is lighter than air so will float up into it), then put a lighted splint or twisted bit of newspaper into the testube and BANG! you'll get a loud pop and a red flash. If you use a big enough thingy to collect the hydrogen you'll get a bigger explosion.

If you want to make chlorine, add salt to the hot water and dissolve before swithcing on the power.

Have fun!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 06 June 2012, 10:15: AM
Trouble is there are enough clanners on here who will try that one Storm: :bomb: :yikes:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 06 June 2012, 10:18: AM
The number of times I blew he fuses at home when I was a kid - I drove my parents mad with my 'experiments' hehehe.  :D

Oh, btw, the salt water electrolysis will produce something useful - when there is no more activity, evaporate off the remaining liquid in a frying pan and you will be left with a nasty white powder - weedkiller.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 15 June 2012, 11:31: AM
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics are in London .



A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.



The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.



The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.



The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.


“O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 06 July 2012, 10:33: AM
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And my FAVORITE¦
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 13 July 2012, 08:15: PM
Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?

Husband: No dear.

Wife: I'm sure you would.

Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.

Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?

Husband: Ya, I guess so.

Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.

Husband: No, she is taller than you.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 13 July 2012, 08:16: PM
Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 25 July 2012, 07:32: AM
Irish Maths test.....

A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

 


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.."


The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The Irishman is now head of pricing at  RYANAIR.







Dating in the 60's...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.


He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room.


Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.


"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach."


"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.
"Really?" Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulously..."Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!'", Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink Blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.


Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The bloody dance is called the Twist!!!"




Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: madonion_uk on 26 July 2012, 05:00: PM
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.
The Muslim asked the driver to turn off the radio as by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music.
The driver politely turns off the radio, stops the cab and opens the door.
The Muslim asks the driver "what are you doing?".
The driver answered "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so f**k off and wait for a camel
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 26 July 2012, 08:20: PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" “No,” the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 07 September 2012, 01:12: PM
 England Today (or Is Your Village Missing It's Idiot?)






IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty-pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Garador repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Garador made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley , Kent .


IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford , Kent .

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimum lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham , Kent .


IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport , UK .


IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford , Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'It's open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire , UK .


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and the scary part is that is they have the right
to VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 18 September 2012, 11:15: AM
Just got sent this: Police harassment (http://www.policeassn.org.nz/newsroom/publications/featured-articles/beginner%E2%80%99s-guide-police-harassment)  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: damien c on 18 September 2012, 11:33: AM
Just got sent this: Police harassment (http://www.policeassn.org.nz/newsroom/publications/featured-articles/beginner%E2%80%99s-guide-police-harassment)  ;D

I was hoping for some helpfull hints on how to get away with harrasing the police, but instead it not's it's funny at the end but only just.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Klinsman on 18 September 2012, 11:59: AM
"What do we want!!!!"

"An end to terets!!!"

"When do we want it?"

"Fuck"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 19 September 2012, 09:46: AM
"What do we want?"
"an end to Alzheimer's!"
"When do we want it?"
"What?"
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Klinsman on 19 September 2012, 12:44: PM
Mines better....love that joke.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 29 November 2012, 05:41: PM
STAFF PARTY.
I'm happy to inform you that the work Christmas Party will take place on December23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols.. .please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy foreveryone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Patricia.

FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party,
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patricia.



FROM; Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th DecemberRE: Holiday Party,
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table....you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AAOnly," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED,
Patricia.


FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off onserving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics,
therestaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia .


FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All F***** G Employees
DATE: 8 December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!! Have a rotten holiday you bastards...drink, drive and die!

The bitch from hell!!!



FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at "H" Ward.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Bishop
A/G Director HR
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 18 January 2013, 09:23: AM
I ordered a burger from the Tesco cafe yesterday, the lady serving asked if I wanted anything on it - so I replied, yes - £5 each way :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 January 2013, 03:08: PM
News Just In:

Tescos have now found some Zebra ......

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 09 February 2013, 10:15: PM
I'm so hungry, I could eat a lasagne :disturbed:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 10 February 2013, 11:20: AM
I'm so hungry, I could eat a lasagne :disturbed:

be careful, they are high in Shergar
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Shepherd on 10 February 2013, 12:22: PM
These jokes a so bad, i just laughed myself hoarse... :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scary on 10 February 2013, 04:08: PM
I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 10 February 2013, 05:21: PM
Thought I'd go for some racism......



They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.

Somebody came in speaking English.



DNA tests confirm that Richard III is the last Englishman to be found in Leicester
 :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 10 February 2013, 09:37: PM
Following the discovery of the bones of Richard III scientists are now digging up tescos Car park looking for his horse.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 12 February 2013, 09:46: AM
Following the discovery of the bones of Richard III scientists are now digging up tescos Car park looking for his horse.

everybody knows you'll find his horse on the frozen section
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: madonion_uk on 14 February 2013, 12:28: AM
A woman was chatting to a blind man when he mentioned his hobby was Skydiving.

"I free-fall from 25000 feet," he said. "and the change in temperature tells me when to open my 'chute"

"I'm impressed!" said the woman. "but how do you know when to brace for landing?"

"Easy!" replied the blind man.

"The dog's lead goes limp"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 14 February 2013, 12:35: AM
A woman was chatting to a blind man when he mentioned his hobby was Skydiving.

"I free-fall from 25000 feet," he said. "and the change in temperature tells me when to open my 'chute"

"I'm impressed!" said the woman. "but how do you know when to brace for landing?"

"Easy!" replied the blind man.

"The dog's lead goes limp"

Dilli.  Please do not consider this a challenge :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: dilli-theclaw on 14 February 2013, 04:20: PM
I dunno sounds like fun to me
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 14 February 2013, 08:20: PM
Roses are Red, Violets are glorious. Never sneak up on Oscar Pistorius!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 15 February 2013, 05:54: PM
Zingle posted this on FB.........run a tracert on  216.81.59.173 and watch  :notworthy: ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 15 February 2013, 06:10: PM
thats pretty cool
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 15 February 2013, 06:18: PM
try 216.81.59.173   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 15 February 2013, 06:20: PM
LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 15 February 2013, 06:38: PM
eek aliens have taken over the interweb thingy :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scary on 15 February 2013, 07:10: PM
Oscar Pistorius girlfriend wasnt expecting that sort of load to be shot into her face on valentines day
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 16 February 2013, 10:03: AM
it's ok scary, he's been released without charge. They footprints at the murder scene
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 18 February 2013, 08:55: AM
Subject: My diet


I've been told by my doctor to watch what I eat - so I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April!

Happy Monday….. :-))
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 February 2013, 08:57: AM
Subject: My diet


I've been told by my doctor to watch what I eat - so I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April!

Happy Monday….. :-))

Slow day at the office already Bill  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 18 February 2013, 03:50: PM
Subject: My diet


I've been told by my doctor to watch what I eat - so I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April!

Happy Monday….. :-))

Slow day at the office already Bill  :P

How did you guess
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 21 February 2013, 12:15: PM
Dunno what all the fuss about horsemeat is about, we've been selling you lamb pumped full of human dna for years  :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 21 February 2013, 07:51: PM
Dunno what all the fuss about horsemeat is about, we've been selling you lamb pumped full of human dna for years  :rofl:

come off it storm
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 22 February 2013, 08:35: AM
Dunno what all the fuss about horsemeat is about, we've been selling you lamb pumped full of human dna for years  :rofl:

come off it storm

Hehehe, I thought it was clever turning the sheep jokes back around - clever, but perhaps not funny?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 22 February 2013, 08:38: AM
No, both  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 22 February 2013, 08:46: AM
Cheers Rammy, it's good to know someone has a sense of humour :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 22 February 2013, 09:49: AM
Yeah, not like that miserable sod of a Squeak  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Squeak on 22 February 2013, 07:05: PM
Yeah, not like that miserable sod of a Squeak  ;D

I have a sense of humour! just nobody else finds it funny
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: dilli-theclaw on 22 February 2013, 07:14: PM
Oh I don't know...... I'm still recovering from blueberry waffles!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 22 February 2013, 07:16: PM
Oh I don't know...... I'm still recovering from blueberry waffles!

Dont you dare remind me of that   :o


 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 22 February 2013, 07:31: PM
 :puke:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stu038 on 23 February 2013, 11:48: AM
Dunno what all the fuss about horsemeat is about, we've been selling you lamb pumped full of human dna for years  :rofl:

come off it storm

Hehehe, I thought it was clever turning the sheep jokes back around - clever, but perhaps not funny?

Just the possibility of too much truth  :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 23 February 2013, 12:50: PM

Just the possibility of too much truth  :rofl:

Top answer! :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 07 March 2013, 07:28: PM
The Newfoundland Department of Employment, claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 24 March 2013, 07:24: PM
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
 
 “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
 “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
 
 “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
 
 “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
 
 When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
 
 “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
 
 The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
 
 “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
 
 Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Pabs87 on 19 June 2013, 11:57: AM
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We’re taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn’t get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What’d he say?"
He said, "Where’d you get the shitty haircut?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 September 2013, 06:14: PM
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.'


The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.

'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'No! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor





 














'Your mother must have been a carrier'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 10 September 2013, 10:03: PM
F*ck! >:( :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 11 September 2013, 08:36: AM
Nice one MGP, that's the best crap joke I've heard for a good while :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill C on 11 September 2013, 09:42: AM
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 26 November 2013, 11:18: AM
Q. What did Richard III say when he went into the camping shop?
A. Now is the winter of our discount tents

It's awful, I know.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Pabs87 on 26 November 2013, 01:58: PM
Oh dear  :(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 01 March 2014, 12:13: PM
A man is stopped by the police at around 2:00am:

Policeman: "Where are you going at this time of night?"

Man: "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and how it affects the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

Policeman: "Really?  Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Man: "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 16 April 2014, 03:09: PM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have goodnews and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person you care for.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 16 April 2014, 06:27: PM
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 09 February 2015, 07:25: AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 17 July 2015, 11:27: PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: madonion_uk on 25 August 2015, 11:20: PM
Dilli? :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't stop thinking about breasts".

"OK, we'll do some word-association; newspaper."

"Breasts! Breasts!"

"Why?"

"Page 3 girls."

"OK, how about tennis?"

"Breasts! Breasts!"

"Why?"

"The player's breasts jiggle around."

"OK, fair enough, how about windscreen wiper?"

"Breasts! Breasts!"

"What?! Why?"

"Schlurp, schlurp."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Shepherd on 26 August 2015, 08:21: PM
what's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
the hippo is heavy and the Zippo is a little lighter....
BAD DUM TISS!!!! :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 13 October 2015, 08:35: PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 15 September 2016, 09:03: PM
Of course I touch myself when I think about you.......
.......it's called a facepalm






 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 30 September 2016, 07:37: PM
My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"










:D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 30 September 2016, 07:39: PM
Boom boom lol :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: SnipeMaster on 31 October 2016, 12:05: PM
There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.  :P

Hahahah that was a good one:)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 02 November 2016, 10:35: AM
What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 02 November 2016, 10:35: AM
What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

 ;D   :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 02 November 2016, 02:23: PM
What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.
That depends on if she's had a wash first  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 02 November 2016, 06:17: PM
One for Dilli:


A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies "Boobs!" :naughty:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: seriousjoker20 on 04 November 2016, 12:32: PM
Next one!!

So I was eating pussy the other day when all of a sudden I got the taste of horse seamen in my mouth. That's when I figured out how my daughter died...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 04 November 2016, 12:40: PM
Next one!!

So I was eating pussy the other day when all of a sudden I got the taste of horse seamen in my mouth. That's when I figured out how my daughter died...

:wtf:  :-X
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 21 November 2016, 07:17: PM
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"


 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: madonion_uk on 21 November 2016, 09:13: PM
 :erm: :surrender:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 21 November 2016, 09:57: PM
Dad joke :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lex8P on 23 November 2016, 06:48: PM
Haha it certainly is
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 03 December 2016, 07:50: PM
10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22…

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road…

#8 - If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times…

#7 - Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup…

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo…

#5 - A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space…

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month…

#3 - A gun doesn’t ask, ‘Do these grips make me look fat?’…

#2 - A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it…

…AND…the

#1 reason a gun is favored over a woman……………

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!
 :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 13 January 2017, 07:56: PM
They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me." The Englishman goes back to his pals.
"Let me give it a try," says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my buy!"
The Englishman slinks back to his seat.
"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says. "Watch this." He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"
The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 05 April 2017, 11:39: AM
Pornhub Gives Its Visitors A Heart Attack With Its April Fool’s Prank (http://www.ubergizmo.com/2017/04/pornhub-april-fools-prank/) :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 05 April 2017, 08:33: PM
The greatest amazon review ive ever read (http://imgur.com/gallery/HVbJI)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 06 April 2017, 08:33: AM
LOL, Blazer has been singing the praises of knees up pooping for ages :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zingle on 06 April 2017, 08:44: AM
LOL, Blazer has been singing the praises of knees up pooping for ages :D

dunno where this comes from but yes knees up pooping is how we should be doing it. Sitting normally on the loo makes us strain and even pushes some popp the wrong way towards the appendix
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 06 April 2017, 12:45: PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zingle on 06 April 2017, 01:52: PM
Thee is somethign quite disturbing about that lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 06 April 2017, 02:09: PM
There is / was, but I had to share it with the world :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 06 April 2017, 09:19: PM
.....erm......thanks for that Storm  :wacko:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 06 April 2017, 10:13: PM
That was ............





crap
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: SilverSwords on 08 April 2017, 06:21: PM
The greatest joke of all, my current and future life
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 08 April 2017, 09:06: PM
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator.......  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: SilverSwords on 08 April 2017, 09:42: PM
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator.......  :D
We get it, we all saw your terrible facebook post
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 25 April 2017, 11:51: AM
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.  A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 25 April 2017, 12:07: PM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 28 March 2018, 09:47: PM
Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 06 March 2019, 11:07: AM
Did you hear the one about the Magic Tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 March 2019, 10:27: AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 20 March 2019, 10:56: AM
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 April 2019, 02:04: PM
Local police are investigating a serious assault on a man last night who was beaten about the head with a power drill.
When interviewed the victim said “I was just walking along the street minding my own business and the next thing I knew, Bosch”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 10 April 2019, 02:22: PM
They can't get much worse, can they ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 10 April 2019, 05:51: PM
This morning I got out of bed to look out the window see what the weather was like.
I saw a guy in a black hooded robe trying to clear the frost off the car with a scythe, so I thought I would do the neighbourly thing and go out and help him.

I was just going out of the door when the wife grabbed me and shouted “ Stop! you are de icing with death”.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 10 April 2019, 06:52: PM
They can't get much worse, can they ;D

I was wrong ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 10 April 2019, 09:31: PM
ahem.......

I started watching a documentary last week about a man who works 7 days a week crushing cans of coke.

I had to switch it off though, it was soda pressing!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 April 2019, 10:07: PM
Gottu wins :td:  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 10 April 2019, 10:23: PM
Fuck......... :sorry:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 11 April 2019, 08:20: AM
And we have a NEW NTHW low :D ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 11 April 2019, 06:13: PM
When I was young I was a huge fan of farm machinery. Nowadays I can't stand them.

Yes folks it's true....I'm an EX TRACTOR FAN !
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 11 April 2019, 07:19: PM
I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...


I don't know why.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 12 April 2019, 05:34: PM
A black hole walks into a cafe and orders dry toast.

The person at the till asks if they'd like a spread or something to go with the toast.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 14 April 2019, 10:47: AM
I went to the Doctors today and told him I was having trouble with my hearing.
He said,”Can you describe the symptoms ?”

I said,”They are yellow, Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 15 April 2019, 08:15: PM
A mate of mine is in to the old records such as the 45/78rpm's. He went into a shop and whilst browsing he saw a Sammy Davies Junior record and bought it, on his way home he started eating it. Well people kept staring at him in disbelief and off he went home. The next day he was back in the shop and when browsing he came across an Ella Fitzgerald 45rpm he purchased that one and making his way home began eating this record and again people were just amazed at what they were seeing. The following day my mate is in the doctors with very severe internal pains, the doctor asked him what he had eaten in the last 48 hours or so and he told the doctor that he had eaten the said two records. The doctor examined him very thoroughly and came to the conclusion that he had succumbed to Sam and Ella poisoning.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 16 April 2019, 09:53: PM
Christ...... :doh: :( :o  :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 17 April 2019, 07:00: PM
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. :erm:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 18 April 2019, 08:04: AM
I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft.

I think it's a Constable.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 28 April 2019, 11:33: AM
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.

You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 09 May 2019, 07:08: AM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night... The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 09 May 2019, 08:08: AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 09 May 2019, 10:36: PM
Christ....... :erm:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 May 2019, 10:38: AM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' exclaimed the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 10 May 2019, 02:23: PM
I'll get your coat ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 10 May 2019, 06:40: PM
Please do, I haven't warmed up from the bank holiday big freeze ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 11 May 2019, 05:38: AM
Now that's funny ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 15 May 2019, 09:22: AM
Did you hear about the Indian lesbian?

Minjeeta :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 15 May 2019, 12:06: PM
 :rofl: :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 29 May 2019, 07:55: PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 05 June 2019, 07:02: AM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered over 780 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 05 June 2019, 11:02: AM
 >:( >:( >:( :P :-X
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 05 June 2019, 01:12: PM
Fuck, that's old!  :doh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 12 June 2019, 09:59: AM
Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

 :disturbed:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 12 June 2019, 09:13: PM
Makes sense  :tu:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 19 June 2019, 08:01: AM
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide".
"I can't" the blonde replied. "This chair has arms"

A blonde had some goldfish and did not know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.
Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 21 June 2019, 09:22: PM
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 July 2019, 08:53: AM
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 18 July 2019, 10:29: AM
lol ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 24 July 2019, 08:20: AM
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche



(It's too hot for a coat even if you get me mine)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 24 July 2019, 11:26: AM
Well if that's the way you want to play it........shite jokes it is:


My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 13 August 2019, 09:16: PM
You may need to be Welsh (or just strange) to get this:

So last night, I could not get to sleep. The idiot neighbour next door had left his dog out in the back garden, and it's a yappy little thing, barking every five minutes or so.
It got to midnight, and the thing is still making an noise, it gets to 1AM and it starts up again, then again at 2AM, by this time, I have lost my patience and as I get out of bed, I say to my wife "I am going to sort this out now!"
So, I dissapear downstairs and outside, and after a couple of minutes I return to bed satisfied with my acheivement.
My wife says to me "What have you done to quiet the dog?"
I say "Nothing, I've just put the dog in our garden, see how he likes it next door!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 16 August 2019, 07:29: PM
One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfs the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 18 August 2019, 04:02: PM
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scary on 18 August 2019, 05:27: PM
From my hotel room I dialled the number of the local brothel. A silky-voiced woman asked how she could be of any assistance. I got straight to the point and explained I wanted dominatrix, spanking, leather, PVC, and a slow, long blow job. She said, “Sir for an outside number, please press 9 first.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 21 August 2019, 09:13: PM
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever
🍔🍔🌭🌭
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 24 August 2019, 03:27: AM
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 24 August 2019, 08:20: PM
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.

I don’t know how you find jokes worse than mine :(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 04 September 2019, 10:49: AM
A bloke has been hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses up his arse.

Doctors described his condition as stable.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 04 September 2019, 07:07: PM
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.  I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?'

'Now wot da fock would you say..?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 09 September 2019, 07:12: PM
To the bloke who stole my trainers and Hi Vis jacket.









You can run but can’t hide.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 09 September 2019, 07:33: PM
Now the one liners I like, faf ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 09 October 2019, 02:23: PM
Paddy says to Murphy: "Murphy what was the faith healer like last night?"

Murphy replies: "Really bad even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 09 October 2019, 07:39: PM
What's the difference between a bumpy road and Raquel Welch

One knackers your tyres

the other

Tires your knackers..............................
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 16 October 2019, 12:36: PM
I went to the Zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The Zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 17 October 2019, 06:11: AM
Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 11 December 2019, 02:23: PM
My wife didn’t believe I could make a car from spaghetti

She couldn’t believe her eyes when I drove pasta
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 December 2019, 07:23: AM
Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks

Because they are Santa's Star Bucks.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 December 2019, 07:24: AM
I went down to the Bakers yesterday to buy a Christmas cake but by the time I got there, he only had two left. One was priced at £1, and the other was £5.

I managed to get the Bakers attention and pointed at the one costing a fiver I then asked him, "what type of cake is that one, then?"

He replied, "That's Madeira cake!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 11 February 2020, 08:08: PM
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.



One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, and yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"



The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the steps and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"



The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. Shaking her head she says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 12 February 2020, 10:21: AM
Lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 21 February 2020, 08:55: PM
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys.  Then he dropped the mike on his foot and shouted "fuck me".




What happened next will haunt the audience for the rest of our lives :yikes:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 22 February 2020, 07:23: AM
Oh dear lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 22 February 2020, 08:07: PM
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys.  Then he dropped the mike on his foot and shouted "fuck me".




What happened next will haunt the audience for the rest of our lives :yikes:
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 09 March 2020, 07:14: PM
I've been turned down when I applied to be a human cannonball.

They told me I wasn't of the right calibre.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 12 March 2020, 02:35: PM
I like that :D
I'm stealing it :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 12 March 2020, 06:46: PM
I like that :D
I'm stealing it :)
I noticed  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 30 March 2020, 08:26: AM
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised.

Usually Australians boo meringue.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 08 April 2020, 11:34: AM
 A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 16 May 2020, 11:04: AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 04 June 2020, 10:04: AM
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 05 June 2020, 03:27: PM
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of the lockdown, he's off work so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 17 June 2020, 08:42: AM
I saw a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked him what he was doing.  He replied

"I'm working from home"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 22 June 2020, 11:48: AM
I got a phone call today, not sure if it was a scam.   I could either win £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 23 June 2020, 04:10: PM
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him

He's the new temp
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 08 July 2020, 08:32: AM
Last night the barmaid in my local got her nipple pierced right in front of everyone.

I’ve never been much good at darts.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 12 July 2020, 08:40: AM
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...

Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 12 July 2020, 05:50: PM
Dear lord........:(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stormpr00ter on 07 August 2020, 09:53: PM
Oh the irony
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 28 September 2020, 03:38: PM
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dutchie on 29 September 2020, 10:33: AM
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

brilliant :) :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 29 September 2020, 08:21: PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 17 October 2020, 09:20: PM
I just bought a chicken proof lawn... It's impeccable!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 21 October 2020, 04:41: PM
Me: I’ve bought you an elephant for your room

Friend: thank you

Me: don’t mention it
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 21 October 2020, 11:24: PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 16 December 2020, 09:49: AM
When my mate Karl was living with us the washing machine broke down at least monthly.

Now he’s left it works fine.

It’s true, washing machines work better with Karl gone.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 16 December 2020, 01:50: PM
Make it stop, pleaaase
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 17 December 2020, 04:07: PM
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets





Sorry Bop :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 18 December 2020, 08:02: PM
*Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lockdown.
*Opthalmologists are in favour of looking into the idea but the audiologists wouldn't hear of it.
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty *Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 18 December 2020, 09:29: PM
Gottu wins with something unnecessarily topical :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 20 December 2020, 02:59: PM
I do like the last line though :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 21 December 2020, 08:27: AM
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."



So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .







"SUPPLIES!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bopdude on 24 December 2020, 06:56: PM
You have now officially hit rock bottom ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Ramrod on 24 December 2020, 10:34: PM
I fear that, having hit rock bottom, MGP will now keep simply keep going using a Kango or something similar.......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 13 February 2021, 02:36: PM
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gottu on 14 February 2021, 05:13: PM
My mother use to wash my hair with lager, years later I realised I was fostered
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MovedGoalPosts on 15 February 2021, 09:28: AM
To the guy that invented Zero..

Thanks for nothing!.
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