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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 53050 times)

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Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #240 on: 22 June 2020, 11:48: AM »
I got a phone call today, not sure if it was a scam.   I could either win £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #241 on: 23 June 2020, 04:10: PM »
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him

He's the new temp

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #242 on: 08 July 2020, 08:32: AM »
Last night the barmaid in my local got her nipple pierced right in front of everyone.

I’ve never been much good at darts.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #243 on: 12 July 2020, 08:40: AM »
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...

Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #244 on: 12 July 2020, 05:50: PM »
Dear lord........:(
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Stormpr00ter

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #245 on: 07 August 2020, 09:53: PM »
Oh the irony

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #246 on: 28 September 2020, 03:38: PM »
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

Offline Dutchie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #247 on: 29 September 2020, 10:33: AM »
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

brilliant :) :D

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #248 on: 29 September 2020, 08:21: PM »
 :D :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #249 on: 17 October 2020, 09:20: PM »
I just bought a chicken proof lawn... It's impeccable!

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #250 on: 21 October 2020, 04:41: PM »
Me: I’ve bought you an elephant for your room

Friend: thank you

Me: don’t mention it
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #251 on: 21 October 2020, 11:24: PM »
 :D :D :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

 

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