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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 30521 times)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #200 on: 12 June 2019, 09:59: AM »
Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

 :disturbed:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Online Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #201 on: 12 June 2019, 09:13: PM »
Makes sense  :tu:
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #202 on: 19 June 2019, 08:01: AM »
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide".
"I can't" the blonde replied. "This chair has arms"

A blonde had some goldfish and did not know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.
Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #203 on: 21 June 2019, 09:22: PM »
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #204 on: 18 July 2019, 08:53: AM »
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #205 on: 18 July 2019, 10:29: AM »
lol ;D

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #206 on: 24 July 2019, 08:20: AM »
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche



(It's too hot for a coat even if you get me mine)
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #207 on: 24 July 2019, 11:26: AM »
Well if that's the way you want to play it........shite jokes it is:


My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
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Offline Stormpr00ter

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #208 on: 13 August 2019, 09:16: PM »
You may need to be Welsh (or just strange) to get this:

So last night, I could not get to sleep. The idiot neighbour next door had left his dog out in the back garden, and it's a yappy little thing, barking every five minutes or so.
It got to midnight, and the thing is still making an noise, it gets to 1AM and it starts up again, then again at 2AM, by this time, I have lost my patience and as I get out of bed, I say to my wife "I am going to sort this out now!"
So, I dissapear downstairs and outside, and after a couple of minutes I return to bed satisfied with my acheivement.
My wife says to me "What have you done to quiet the dog?"
I say "Nothing, I've just put the dog in our garden, see how he likes it next door!"

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #209 on: 16 August 2019, 07:29: PM »
One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfs the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #210 on: 18 August 2019, 04:02: PM »
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
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Offline Scary

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #211 on: 18 August 2019, 05:27: PM »
From my hotel room I dialled the number of the local brothel. A silky-voiced woman asked how she could be of any assistance. I got straight to the point and explained I wanted dominatrix, spanking, leather, PVC, and a slow, long blow job. She said, “Sir for an outside number, please press 9 first.

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #212 on: 21 August 2019, 09:13: PM »
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever
🍔🍔🌭🌭

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #213 on: 24 August 2019, 03:27: AM »
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #214 on: 24 August 2019, 08:20: PM »
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.

I don’t know how you find jokes worse than mine :(
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #215 on: 04 September 2019, 10:49: AM »
A bloke has been hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses up his arse.

Doctors described his condition as stable.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #216 on: 04 September 2019, 07:07: PM »
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.  I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?'

'Now wot da fock would you say..?'
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #217 on: 09 September 2019, 07:12: PM »
To the bloke who stole my trainers and Hi Vis jacket.









You can run but can’t hide.

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #218 on: 09 September 2019, 07:33: PM »
Now the one liners I like, faf ;D

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #219 on: 09 October 2019, 02:23: PM »
Paddy says to Murphy: "Murphy what was the faith healer like last night?"

Murphy replies: "Really bad even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out".
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı