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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 28329 times)

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Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #200 on: 12 June 2019, 09:59: AM »
Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

 :disturbed:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #201 on: 12 June 2019, 09:13: PM »
Makes sense  :tu:
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #202 on: 19 June 2019, 08:01: AM »
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide".
"I can't" the blonde replied. "This chair has arms"

A blonde had some goldfish and did not know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.
Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #203 on: 21 June 2019, 09:22: PM »
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #204 on: 18 July 2019, 08:53: AM »
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #205 on: 18 July 2019, 10:29: AM »
lol ;D

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #206 on: 24 July 2019, 08:20: AM »
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche



(It's too hot for a coat even if you get me mine)
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #207 on: 24 July 2019, 11:26: AM »
Well if that's the way you want to play it........shite jokes it is:


My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Stormpr00ter

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #208 on: 13 August 2019, 09:16: PM »
You may need to be Welsh (or just strange) to get this:

So last night, I could not get to sleep. The idiot neighbour next door had left his dog out in the back garden, and it's a yappy little thing, barking every five minutes or so.
It got to midnight, and the thing is still making an noise, it gets to 1AM and it starts up again, then again at 2AM, by this time, I have lost my patience and as I get out of bed, I say to my wife "I am going to sort this out now!"
So, I dissapear downstairs and outside, and after a couple of minutes I return to bed satisfied with my acheivement.
My wife says to me "What have you done to quiet the dog?"
I say "Nothing, I've just put the dog in our garden, see how he likes it next door!"

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #209 on: 16 August 2019, 07:29: PM »
One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfs the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #210 on: 18 August 2019, 04:02: PM »
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Scary

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #211 on: 18 August 2019, 05:27: PM »
From my hotel room I dialled the number of the local brothel. A silky-voiced woman asked how she could be of any assistance. I got straight to the point and explained I wanted dominatrix, spanking, leather, PVC, and a slow, long blow job. She said, “Sir for an outside number, please press 9 first.