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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 27239 times)

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Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #180 on: 12 April 2019, 05:34: PM »
A black hole walks into a cafe and orders dry toast.

The person at the till asks if they'd like a spread or something to go with the toast.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater.
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Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #181 on: 14 April 2019, 10:47: AM »
I went to the Doctors today and told him I was having trouble with my hearing.
He said,”Can you describe the symptoms ?”

I said,”They are yellow, Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #182 on: 15 April 2019, 08:15: PM »
A mate of mine is in to the old records such as the 45/78rpm's. He went into a shop and whilst browsing he saw a Sammy Davies Junior record and bought it, on his way home he started eating it. Well people kept staring at him in disbelief and off he went home. The next day he was back in the shop and when browsing he came across an Ella Fitzgerald 45rpm he purchased that one and making his way home began eating this record and again people were just amazed at what they were seeing. The following day my mate is in the doctors with very severe internal pains, the doctor asked him what he had eaten in the last 48 hours or so and he told the doctor that he had eaten the said two records. The doctor examined him very thoroughly and came to the conclusion that he had succumbed to Sam and Ella poisoning.

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #183 on: 16 April 2019, 09:53: PM »
Christ...... :doh: :( :o  :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #184 on: 17 April 2019, 07:00: PM »
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. :erm:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #185 on: 18 April 2019, 08:04: AM »
I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft.

I think it's a Constable.

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #186 on: 28 April 2019, 11:33: AM »
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.

You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #187 on: 09 May 2019, 07:08: AM »
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night... The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #188 on: 09 May 2019, 08:08: AM »
NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ;D

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #189 on: 09 May 2019, 10:36: PM »
Christ....... :erm:
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #190 on: 10 May 2019, 10:38: AM »
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' exclaimed the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #191 on: 10 May 2019, 02:23: PM »
I'll get your coat ;D

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #192 on: 10 May 2019, 06:40: PM »
Please do, I haven't warmed up from the bank holiday big freeze ;)
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #193 on: 11 May 2019, 05:38: AM »
Now that's funny ;D

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #194 on: 15 May 2019, 09:22: AM »
Did you hear about the Indian lesbian?

Minjeeta :)
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #195 on: 15 May 2019, 12:06: PM »
 :rofl: :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #196 on: 29 May 2019, 07:55: PM »
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #197 on: 05 June 2019, 07:02: AM »
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered over 780 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #198 on: 05 June 2019, 11:02: AM »
 >:( >:( >:( :P :-X

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #199 on: 05 June 2019, 01:12: PM »
Fuck, that's old!  :doh:
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...