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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 58251 times)

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Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #240 on: 22 June 2020, 11:48: AM »
I got a phone call today, not sure if it was a scam.   I could either win £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #241 on: 23 June 2020, 04:10: PM »
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him

He's the new temp

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #242 on: 08 July 2020, 08:32: AM »
Last night the barmaid in my local got her nipple pierced right in front of everyone.

I’ve never been much good at darts.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #243 on: 12 July 2020, 08:40: AM »
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...

Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #244 on: 12 July 2020, 05:50: PM »
Dear lord........:(
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Stormpr00ter

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #245 on: 07 August 2020, 09:53: PM »
Oh the irony

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #246 on: 28 September 2020, 03:38: PM »
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

Offline Dutchie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #247 on: 29 September 2020, 10:33: AM »
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

brilliant :) :D

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #248 on: 29 September 2020, 08:21: PM »
 :D :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #249 on: 17 October 2020, 09:20: PM »
I just bought a chicken proof lawn... It's impeccable!

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #250 on: 21 October 2020, 04:41: PM »
Me: I’ve bought you an elephant for your room

Friend: thank you

Me: don’t mention it
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #251 on: 21 October 2020, 11:24: PM »
 :D :D :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #252 on: 16 December 2020, 09:49: AM »
When my mate Karl was living with us the washing machine broke down at least monthly.

Now he’s left it works fine.

It’s true, washing machines work better with Karl gone.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #253 on: 16 December 2020, 01:50: PM »
Make it stop, pleaaase

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #254 on: 17 December 2020, 04:07: PM »
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets





Sorry Bop :D
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #255 on: 18 December 2020, 08:02: PM »
*Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lockdown.
*Opthalmologists are in favour of looking into the idea but the audiologists wouldn't hear of it.
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty *Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes."

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #256 on: 18 December 2020, 09:29: PM »
Gottu wins with something unnecessarily topical :rofl:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #257 on: 20 December 2020, 02:59: PM »
I do like the last line though :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #258 on: 21 December 2020, 08:27: AM »
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."



So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .







"SUPPLIES!!!"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #259 on: 24 December 2020, 06:56: PM »
You have now officially hit rock bottom ;D

 

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