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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 58254 times)

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Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #220 on: 09 October 2019, 07:39: PM »
What's the difference between a bumpy road and Raquel Welch

One knackers your tyres

the other

Tires your knackers..............................

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #221 on: 16 October 2019, 12:36: PM »
I went to the Zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The Zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #222 on: 17 October 2019, 06:11: AM »
Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #223 on: 11 December 2019, 02:23: PM »
My wife didn’t believe I could make a car from spaghetti

She couldn’t believe her eyes when I drove pasta
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #224 on: 18 December 2019, 07:23: AM »
Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks

Because they are Santa's Star Bucks.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #225 on: 18 December 2019, 07:24: AM »
I went down to the Bakers yesterday to buy a Christmas cake but by the time I got there, he only had two left. One was priced at £1, and the other was £5.

I managed to get the Bakers attention and pointed at the one costing a fiver I then asked him, "what type of cake is that one, then?"

He replied, "That's Madeira cake!"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #226 on: 11 February 2020, 08:08: PM »
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.



One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, and yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"



The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the steps and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"



The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. Shaking her head she says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #227 on: 12 February 2020, 10:21: AM »
Lol

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #228 on: 21 February 2020, 08:55: PM »
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys.  Then he dropped the mike on his foot and shouted "fuck me".




What happened next will haunt the audience for the rest of our lives :yikes:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #229 on: 22 February 2020, 07:23: AM »
Oh dear lol

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #230 on: 22 February 2020, 08:07: PM »
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys.  Then he dropped the mike on his foot and shouted "fuck me".




What happened next will haunt the audience for the rest of our lives :yikes:
:lol:
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #231 on: 09 March 2020, 07:14: PM »
I've been turned down when I applied to be a human cannonball.

They told me I wasn't of the right calibre.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #232 on: 12 March 2020, 02:35: PM »
I like that :D
I'm stealing it :)
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #233 on: 12 March 2020, 06:46: PM »
I like that :D
I'm stealing it :)
I noticed  :P
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #234 on: 30 March 2020, 08:26: AM »
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised.

Usually Australians boo meringue.

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #235 on: 08 April 2020, 11:34: AM »
 A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #236 on: 16 May 2020, 11:04: AM »
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #237 on: 04 June 2020, 10:04: AM »
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

Offline Gottu

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #238 on: 05 June 2020, 03:27: PM »
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of the lockdown, he's off work so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #239 on: 17 June 2020, 08:42: AM »
I saw a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked him what he was doing.  He replied

"I'm working from home"
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

 

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