naughtygamers
NTHW Gaming Banner
GotW™ : PUBG

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 18076 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Jokes
« on: 21 March 2011, 12:15: PM »
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children running
around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie
to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
My husband and I put it on the
door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!

Shame on you


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: 24 March 2011, 02:13: PM »
A place for all those jokes.


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: 25 March 2011, 08:23: AM »

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".






"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"   




This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."



If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline damien c

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 2,419
Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: 25 March 2011, 08:49: AM »
Heard that before but can't remember where.

Offline Dutchie

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,224
Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: 25 March 2011, 08:50: AM »
its an oldie Damien.... have it on my emails somewhere....

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: 29 March 2011, 11:36: AM »
AN  IRISH GHOST STORY

 

This story happened a while  ago in Dublin , and even  though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, but it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~   
John Bradford, a Dublin University  student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking  on a very dark night and in the midst of a big  storm.


The  night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm  was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead  of him.


Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and  stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about  it, got into the car and closed the door.... only  to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

 

The car began moving slowly , John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray,  begging for his life. Then, just before the car  hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere  through the window, and turned the wheel.

 

John,paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came  through the window, but never touched or harmed  him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear further down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped  out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of  breath, he rushed inside and started telling  everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A  silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized  he was crying... and wasn't  drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking  around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the  bar, one said to the other....   



Look Paddy....there's that fooking  idiot that got in the car while we were pushing  it!'


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Ramrod

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 5,250
  • Full time again :(
Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: 29 March 2011, 12:23: PM »
There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.  :P
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Dutchie

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,224
Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: 29 March 2011, 05:49: PM »
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful..  To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

Offline Dutchie

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,224
Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: 29 March 2011, 05:54: PM »
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
> agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
> juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just
> sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you
> watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
>
>
> An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> leans over and says to her husband,  'I just let out a silent fart; what
> do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your
> hearing aid.
>
>
> A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
> horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
> eyesight is perfect.'
>
>
> Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face or
> my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
> humour!'

Offline Dutchie

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,224
Re: Jokes
« Reply #9 on: 29 March 2011, 05:56: PM »
The Indian With One Testicle
 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
Name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
Again I will kill them!'
 
The word got around and nobody called
Him that any more.
 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
Forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
Jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
The forest where he made love to her all day and
All night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
 
The word got around that Onestone meant what
He promised he would do. Years went by and no
One dared call him by his given name until A woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
Away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
Overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
And said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


 


Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
Her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
 
 
 
Why ???
 
 
 
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
 
 
 
Think about it !!!
 
 
 
You're going to love this !!!
 
 
 
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!

Offline SkyBlueHeroes

  • [NTHW] Retired List
  • *
  • Posts: 1,882
  • Totes Amaze
Jokes
« Reply #10 on: 05 April 2011, 07:48: PM »
The thing about that new easy style of origami, well, it's two fold............

Offline SkyBlueHeroes

  • [NTHW] Retired List
  • *
  • Posts: 1,882
  • Totes Amaze
Jokes
« Reply #11 on: 05 April 2011, 07:49: PM »
What do you call a rabbit with a bent d1ck??






Fu£&s Funny!

Offline damien c

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 2,419
Re: Jokes
« Reply #12 on: 07 April 2011, 01:33: PM »
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the
shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

 

'How much do you charge?'

 

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why
didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

 

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


Offline Ramrod

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 5,250
  • Full time again :(
Re: Jokes
« Reply #13 on: 07 April 2011, 05:19: PM »
The Search for the Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Dutchie

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,224
Re: Jokes
« Reply #14 on: 08 April 2011, 10:06: AM »
Aussie love poem:

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs'on
And fetch another beer.

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Re: Jokes
« Reply #15 on: 15 April 2011, 08:33: AM »
 The Blind Bunny!   
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>               One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
>
>               over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
>               
>               "Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
>
>               but I'm blind and can't see."
>               
>               "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my  fault.
                  I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

                  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
>               
>             "Well,
>
>               I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
>
>               myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
>
>
>             So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
>
>             and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
>
>             a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
>
>
>             The Bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
>
>             animal are you?"
>
>
>             The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
>
>              examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well,
>
>              what kind of an animal am I?"
>
>
>             The  bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold,
>
>             you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."
« Last Edit: 15 April 2011, 08:38: AM by Bill C »


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Ramrod

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 5,250
  • Full time again :(
Re: Jokes
« Reply #16 on: 19 April 2011, 01:03: PM »
I've just realised the one thing that could make the Royal Wedding just that little bit more special.

Vuvuelas.
 ;D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

  • Kannon Fodda
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 3,524
    • Ember Big Band
Re: Jokes
« Reply #17 on: 19 April 2011, 01:18: PM »
I'm so glad I'm escaping the country.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Bill C

  • Internet now downloaded, whats next :)
  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 1,577
Proposed cuts to the National Health Service
« Reply #18 on: 20 April 2011, 12:52: PM »


Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

 

      The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime

Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

 

      The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists

advised not to make any rash moves.

 

      The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

 

      The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

 

      Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

 

      Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

 

      The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

 

      The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash

their hands of the whole thing.

 

      The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

 

      The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,

and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the

matter...."

 

      The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

 

      The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

      In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire

decision up to the arseholes in the Houses of Parliament.
 

 


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline damien c

  • [NTHW] Clan
  • *
  • Posts: 2,419
Re: Jokes
« Reply #19 on: 21 April 2011, 08:17: AM »
Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...


When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark